I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
