Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
