Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
