I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
