Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just blew my weed a kiss
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
