I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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