a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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