How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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