I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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