i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Houston, we have a squirter
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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