my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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