can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
