Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
