I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
