I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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