Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
