I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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