News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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