he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
