forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
