I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize