When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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