I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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