he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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