So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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