I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
well you can't waste a boner
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
