I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
