1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
