he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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