I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
