It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
