Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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