im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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