well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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