I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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