My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
