Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
