and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can't put those talents on a resume
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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