I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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