did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
