Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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