If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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