Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
