so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I touched a dick in church today
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize