I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I need a hoe opinion
go on
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
