Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
