he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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