How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
