Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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