You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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