I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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