the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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