Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
