my phone needs a breathalizer
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
