there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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