I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
