so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
