He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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