You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
