Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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