Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
