i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
