My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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